I Missed A Call From This Number...

Well shame on you. There we went to all the trouble to look up your number and dial it with care and that's the way you treat us? Hah!

Today's phone technology is wonderful. And of course it is shared by the wonderful internet technology. And sometimes I am left wondering what new horrors will emerge...

Speed redial. If the number you call does not answer because the staff are all serving customers over the counter or trying to deal with other phone calls, just hang up and then press the redial button for as long as you want. You may still not get and answer because the staff are still busy, but at least you can have the satisfaction of knowing that you are making the chaos worse.

Missing a call is inconvenient. If it was the last gasp of your dying Auntie, it is sad. If it was your only chance at winning the $ 5,000,000 Lotto it is tragic. If it was just a call to tell you that your 3/8" wamblot has arrived, do not panic. We will ring again, after the fires have been put out and the dead heaved over the side.

Are you in a food hall? Are you currently operating a dragline digging coal out of an open-pit mine? Is your mobile phone held together with bandaids? If so, it might be easier for us to understand you if you send us a smoke signal or a message in a cleft stick. Or revert to Swahili click language. or Morse code. It'll sound the same.

" Who em I tokking to?" A good question, and one that we frequently get. A difficult one to answer, philosophically...I tend to retreat into " Camera Electronic Sales Department " because that is on my shirt and I can read it, albeit upside down.

You mustn't think I am entirely negative. The only part of me against the telephone is my ear, and as I have two of them I can vary the experience. One of them is deaf, and I am starting to think of it as a blessing...

Uncle Dick

PS: Excuse me, I'm just going out to find a shovel. I'm going to dig up Alexander Graham Bell and put him on the line.